“How do you get your spouse to come to the point of what they are saying without hurting their feelings?” Lee Barclay, who’s editing a book about people’s biggest relationship questions, asked me to write an answer. My first thought was this is really part of the larger question: how do you express dissatisfaction or make a complaint without generating ill will.
My answer is one that I give for many relationship problems: create a vantage point above the fray—a platform—from which you can talk with your partner about the issue and about your struggle.
In writing my response to Barclay’s question, I added a wrinkle. I suggested that you assume that your appeal to your partner to get to the point will not go over well. By the time you make this request, you will almost certainly be feeling an impatience that your partner is going to pick up on and react to negatively. I recommend relying, instead, on holding a recovery conversation.
Your concern, of course, is that if you ask your partner (let’s say it’s a he and you’re a she) to come to the point, he will feel hurt or get angry. So you hold your tongue. But you are then likely to become emotionally detached and/or increasingly resentful and, perhaps, at some point, blurt out something like: “Can’t you ever come to the point.” Or you make an effort to express your complaint politely and it comes out in a stiff and artificial way that makes your partner cringe (and perhaps you, also). Even if you manage to raise the issue in the perfect way, your partner might still take offense.
Your hope, of course, is that your partner won’t take your asking him to come to the point personally. You don’t want him to feel hurt, criticized, ashamed, unloved, or unlovable or to see you as a self-centered person who doesn’t care what he has to say. You want him to take your request as useful information and, ideally, be grateful that you didn’t just tune him out and drift off mentally into your own world without telling him.
It helps if you and your partner have a perch or platform from which to consult with each other about problems that arise between you. In particular, it would help if the two of you had previously established an understanding that it is better to report feeling impatient rather than disengage or blurt out something angry.
It helps to prepare for the possibility that your partner will become angry or defensive when you make your comment. If you aren’t prepared for your partner to respond, “Why do you always have to be so critical,” you might find yourself snapping back, “Why do you always have to be so long-winded.” If you are prepared, you might have the presence of mind to say something non-defensive and non-accusatory like, “I’ve been trying to work on that” or “That did come out critical, didn’t it?”
It helps to prepare for the likelihood that your words will have more of a bite than you intend. You are feeling impatient, after all, which could easily show through and you are making a criticism. So it is probably wise to assume that your partner will feel criticized, and probably hurt, no matter how hard you’re working to keep that from happening.
If you know you are impatient, it can help to acknowledge that fact (“I’m probably not saying this in the best possible way) and to bring your partner in on your dilemma (“I’m getting impatient and I’m worried about telling you that”). If you have doubts about the fairness of your complaint, it may help to acknowledge that (“I’m sorry, I know I get impatient easily”).
If the conversation with your partner doesn’t go well, it might help to come back later and attempt a recovery conversation—which means getting up on a platform after the fact rather than ahead of time or during the event. You’ll know that you are ready for such a conversation if you have “good news,” that is, if you feel like appreciating your partner’s point of view and acknowledging your part of in the problem. If you feel like explaining yourself or trying again to make your case or prove your partner wrong, your attempted recovery conversation is likely to rekindle the fight.
It helps to keep in mind that your partner might not be ready for a recovery conversation, even if you are. If you forget this, you are likely to get upset and discouraged if you partner rejects your rapprochement effort.
It helps to acknowledge—if you believe it to be true—that what you are complaining about is the other side of what you like about him. “I love your expressiveness—how you’re able to make wonderful stories out of everyday things” or “I admire how knowledgeable you are about so many things.”
To summarize, some couples have a relationship in which asking the other to come to the point is no big deal or at worst creates only a minor ruffle. Other couples run into problems: the criticism can hit a particularly sore spot and/or the complaint may have an edge that the person making it doesn’t realize. The way to deal with these problems is to create a vantage point above the fray from which partners can look at what is going on in their feelings and in the relationship and talk with each other about it. Partners can create this vantage point—this platform—before, during, or after the problematic event.
Postscript: I read the above to a friend and he said “It’s okay, but it goes on a little too long. Couldn’t you just come to the point?”
Thanks! This one actually helped me, as my hubby and I have this exact problem. He’s a major talker – and I mean major. I’m a cut-to-the-chase kind of gal. We go through this a lot, and I like the idea of the vantage point of a platform above the fray. Of course, I’ll use this for my clients, too, but I might as well take advantage of your wisdom before I pass it along.
loved the postscript and the prediction about how bringing this up can cause problems and to prepare for that.
This is one aspect that is kind of hard to conquer in our relationship. And your point of view helps a lot. Thank you for sharing your knowledge.