The goal in Dorothy Kaufmann and my Workshop for Couples is to increase intimacy between partners. With this in mind, we try to help them confide to each other what’s on their minds. Intimacy is saying what’s on your mind and feeling your partner understands. And it’s your partner saying what’s on his or her [READ MORE]

 June 12, 2014  Posted by Owner at 10:38 am Dan Blog 17 Responses »
 

What do you do when a therapy session you’re conducting goes very badly?  If you’re like me, you imagine what other therapists might do. I might say to myself: I wonder what Carl Rogers would do. Probably sit on the edge of his chair and beam acceptance—as he did in that film with Gloria. That’d [READ MORE]

 March 29, 2014  Posted by Owner at 10:11 am Dan Blog 18 Responses »
 

COUPLE THERAPY FRAMEWORKS Dan Wile Some therapists have a clearly articulated theory that they apply systematically to every couple they see. At the other end of the spectrum are the therapists who tailor their approach to the couple they’re seeing and may not think of themselves as having much of a theory at all. Every [READ MORE]

 January 13, 2014  Posted by Owner at 10:28 am Dan Blog 10 Responses »
 

Doubling is the premier way to accomplish the principal task of Collaborative Couple Therapy, which is to turn arguments into conversations and disengagement into engagement. When I double, I kneel next to one of the partners and speak as if I were that person talking to the other partner. I translate that person’s angry, defensive, [READ MORE]

 November 9, 2013  Posted by Owner at 2:17 pm Dan Blog 8 Responses »
 

The task in Collaborative Couple Therapy is to create intimate moments by confiding feelings that induce an intensified sense of connection. Such moments occur when both partners confide the main thing on their minds—what’s alive for them at the moment, as Marshall Rosenberg puts it—and feel the other person understands. Sally: I love the wonderful [READ MORE]

 August 13, 2013  Posted by Owner at 12:59 pm Dan Blog 18 Responses »
 

When you double in Collaborative Couple Therapy, you speak as if you were one of the partners talking to the other. “Okay, Joe, so you’re saying to Felicia, ‘When we fight, I feel very alone.’” You become the partner you’re speaking for. Use of the pronoun “I” collapses the space between you and that person. [READ MORE]

 June 29, 2013  Posted by Owner at 11:00 am Dan Blog 9 Responses »
 

One of the ways couple therapists try to deepen the therapeutic conversation is to ask, “What do you think about what happened” or “How do you feel about what your partner just said?” If a client answers, “I don’t know,” I ask, “What’s your best guess?” or “This is a trick question but, if you [READ MORE]

 May 14, 2013  Posted by Owner at 9:06 am Dan Blog 14 Responses »
 

In an earlier newsletter, I gave the following example of the kind of intimate conversation that I try to help partners have. Brad: I’m embarrassed to say this but sometimes—maybe more than sometimes—I worry that you’re more important to me than I am to you. Lisa (genuinely surprised): That’s amazing to me. You wouldn’t believe [READ MORE]

 April 6, 2013  Posted by Owner at 4:34 pm Dan Blog 29 Responses »
 

The problem with these rules is that you can’t use any of them when you’re angry—which, of course, is when you most need them. Communication skills trainers are sad about it and I’m sad about it, too. You can’t use any of them when you’re angry because they’re telling you in essence, “Don’t be angry.” [READ MORE]

 March 3, 2013  Posted by Owner at 11:06 am Dan Blog 9 Responses »
 

Collaborative Couple Therapy consists of a theory (solving the moment), a technique (speaking for partners), and a sensibility (monitoring the therapist’s slippage from listening to judging). I came to this realization while writing my chapter for Case Studies in Couples Therapy edited by David Carson and Monterrat Casado-Kehoe and published in 2011. The following is [READ MORE]

 January 26, 2013  Posted by Owner at 9:02 am Dan Blog 8 Responses »

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